I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
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