Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
