I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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