WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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