Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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