You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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