the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
