As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
