The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
