The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
