I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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