I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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