I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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