Your face is a jimmy john
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
