I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
