I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
