i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
