if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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