4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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