I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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