thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
