So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
