do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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