So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
