I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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