is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
