I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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