do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
