Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize