Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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