Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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