Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize