Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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