omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
