i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
