I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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