He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
