She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize