Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just tell him i said nine months
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
