i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
