Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
