i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
