u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
