Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
