Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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