If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
