I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize