I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
