I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
