Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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