so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
