Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
