He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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