its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize