Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
