I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
