That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
