Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
