I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
