you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
