My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
