Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
