I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
